My sexual blopper and "The Twat Whisperer"
Once I had a "boyfriend" who lost the condom. Lost it. As in, he slipped out, the condom did not.
He was a jerk, and I thought he was kidding me. I was on the pill, so it wasn't like I was really worried, but after a moment or two of reaching up my unmentionables (I was merely sixteen at the most and painfully tight) he started making fun of me.
Did I mention he was a jerk?....and that he had a teenie weenie cock?...lol
So I went upstairs, to the privacy of the bathroom and tried to get up in there with my fingers and dig for a possibly lost condom or a really stupid joke, I wasn't sure which. After not finding the condom, I decided he was just being an asshole and forgot about it.
...Until three days later, when I had a gynecologist appointment. My mother, sweet soul that she is, made me have a MALE doctor (do not do this, asshole mothers/ and or fathers, to your daughters) and after getting myself into the hideous position and he reached inside, there was a moment of silence.
I heard the words that will forever be emblazoned in my memory, "Did you lose something?" as I awkwardly looked down to see him holding the lost condom with a pair of what looked like tongs, in his plastic gloved hands.
One dangling, used condom, that had been vacationing in the warmth of my cozy vagina for a few days. Just...dangling there in the air...held by a doctor using tongs, while I had my legs spread and a spotlight shining on my obviously well used and seemingly cavernous cooter.
Even the female nurse who was in the room looked hideously embarrassed for me, as my face turned red and I stuttered, "He said it was lost...I looked...I thought he was kidding...I tried to find it..."
I thought about him telling my mother that tidy bit of information, my darling mother waiting right outside in the waiting room, but I don't think he did. He did mention staying on birth control and not having sex with jerks who lose condoms, though.
I can't say I took his advice, but I did learn one very important lesson: have female gynecologists. At least she might understand and say a few soothing words, not just continue in well lit, spread legged silence.
Yes.
I lost something.
Thanks.
Now that i am a big girl now and can pick my own doctor, my new gyno looks like Greg Kinnear. He always asks me if I'm uncomfortable, and he rarely talks above the barely-audible range.
I call him "The Twat Whisperer."
He's so gentle, and so kind, and so apologetic that I just want to reassure him somehow. Like he's an awkward freshman on a blind date, I'm telling him, "No, it's all right, you're fine, that didn't hurt."
He was so dorky that I used to feel embarrassed for him, a bit, then I began to wonder if that's just his act, and he intentionally ellicits feelings of reassurance from all of his patients by doing this "uneasy wallflower" act. Yet he does it so well that I fall for it every time.
He even has a "speculum warmer". He keeps them in a box that's warmed by this heating pad thing, and they are always nice and toasty in my cunt...lol