Phrenic Ramblings of an Aspiring Sexologist

Naughty Elf Conspiracy, A Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Just Sophie Monster was stirring, just clicking her mouse.

My thigh highs were stashed in my drawer with great care,

In hopes that my play time soon would be near.

The cat was nestled all snug in his bed,

while hungover from catnip, he rested his head.

And soon, up to some mischeif, keyboard in my lap,

I just settled down to a google search match.

When out of the 'net there arose such a matter,

I jumped into debate to clear their mind clutter!

Away to dear wiki, I typed really fast.

Failed at my search so I googled my quest.

I learned moons don't have breasts for the new fallen snow*

It mirrors the sunlight onto objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But a miniature conspiracy 'bout li'l elf gear.

With a little old nutjob, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment he thought he was St. Nick.

More rapid than mods, his arguments came

And he argued and shouted and inflated his claims.

Now Elves! Now Penis! Now height and licken!

On coming! On sexing, foreplay and Lubricant!

To the top of the clit, to the top of her call!

Now cum away, cum away, come away all!

As I tried as I may to ignore this strange guy,

I came to him with intrigue and had to ask why?

So I searched more on google to see what to do,

I learned in dismay that his story may be true!

And then, in my searching, I found some great truth,

We do not know the size of each North Pole elf.

I drew in my hand and thought of this 'round

Of searching and searching for truth to be found.

How tall can they be from their head to their foot?

Conflicting answers, only, found from website input.

Standing a moment, I stretched out my aching back,

and pondered the answer I still seemed to lack.

This puzzle was puzzling and not very merry!

I needed to somehow solve this great mystery.

And soon it occurred to my mind just how

The elf height dilemma, simplified now.

In porn, they like to practice illusions, you see.

And often use them to make size fit fantasy.

It was then that I learned that each little elf

was smaller than the size they claimed for themself.

From the tip of his toe to the top of his head,

were clues that his dick was not something to dread.

But why was this myth what they needed to work?

The answer, you see, is they're each pornstar jerks.

I thought really hard as I scratched at my nose

another small problem I saw had arose.

Through the LHC portal they arrive with a whistle,**

Google said elf porn stars were aliens with missiles.

And I knew based on one Alien Elf Porn Conspiracy site.

The LHC is one million, sixty-two thousand, nine hundred ninety-two elf penises-sized.***

*In the original poem, Night Before Christmas, one part says, "The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave the lustre of mid-day to the objects below."

**Some opponents of the activation of the LHC claim it will serve as a portal for either aliens or other supernatural beings.

***This assumes that an elf is two feet tall with a one inch penis.